Good, Sarah!

When I really miss my Dad and step mom I listen to her Cd. Makes me feel a little bit better just to hear her voice. 

I am literally torn between my heart and mind right now. My mind that tells me to walk/run and never look back and my heart that has slowly developed feelings for and fell for someone. But that someone dropped a bomb on me that literally makes me sick to my stomach and puts me in this difficult situation where I know I should walk away but I feel like my feet are 1000 lbs that I cant lift. I have to walk, I have to move, I have to somehow find the will power to move. I need to push everything else aside, my feelings mainly, and use my anger and frustrations to move on.

But I hate that.

I hate giving up, I hate walking away, I hate that I’m the one that has to hurt and cry and be upset. I’m sick of feeling like I’m losing. I love being single, but I want to feel like i have a good situation going on. Part of me feels like he is that. He gets me, he never doubts me, never questions me (which is probably all because he doesnt really care) but he does care. Maybe it was just convienent maybe I really liked it because I never had to feel bad, we both knew exactly what it was and it was so honest. Honesty, something I’ve begged for for years. but hey it turns out it was honest at all. But it was. Parts of it were. Maybe I just want them to be.

I cant be that girl, I know that. That would kill me, I know that. But why am I so willing to let it happen.

I dont even know what to say….

Shoulda seen it coming

Shouldnt have gotten attached

Should have never let my self fall as hard as I did

Time to pick myself back up..

Stop blowing up my phone asking if theres anything else I want to know about you.. If there was something, I would ask. Clearly not interested.

ON a happier note:

VICKI IS COMING HOME!!!!! I’M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!! :)

I’m currently avoiding studying burns… Who really wants to study burns? First of all.. Ouch. Second of all… Ew. Cross that off my list of possible work places.. I will not be on the burn unit at lukes anytime soon.

So lets talk about the EXTREMEM AMOUT OF SHIT that PEOPLE in WAUKESHA decide to talk… Shall we? Someone explain to me why some people choose to talk about my life without knowing anything about it? I’ve personally been making it a point to not do that with people. Not judge people, accept differences and people for who and what they are. If I dont agree with what you do or a decision you made it doesnt really effect my life at all, so really why waste my time talking about it to everyone. SO WHY IN THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU CHOOSE TO TALK ABOUT MY LIFE LIKE YOU KNOW WHATS GOING ON. REALLY, WHY? News: you dont. So next time we do run into each other please dont be surprised when i have absolutely nothing nice to say… at all. Not a damn thing. So when I roll my eyes and ignore you, you can know why.

Moving is sounding better and better, yes?

Heres what you do need to know: I graduate in April, my son is happy, healthy and well taken care of. I have a great job, a whacky family and the most amazing group of friends who love and support me and the choices I make. So since you choose not to be a positive part in my life but still feel the need to talk about me and the things I do, tell people that. Tell the people the truth, that we dont talk at all, that really you have no idea whats going on with me because we’re not really friends. At least give something respectable out. Stop making yourself look like an idiot when what you say blows up in your face. Damn Fool.

I’ve had an extremely hard time between A: not hating and wanting to punch arion in the face this past week. and B: not running back to him jumping in his arms and forgiving everything and anything. I am mad, I do think he crossed a major line and said some mean things but at the same time I wonder if I should have waited to say anything.

I never want to hurt the people I love and care about.. ever. But I’ve come to learn that as hard as it may be,  you can not forget yourself so that others will remember you. I can not constantly sacrifice so that I can feel like he needs me or he pays attention to me. I cant stop my life to make sure that his is going where he wants it to go. I wish I could explain that to him. I wish he would take a minute to understand where I’m coming from. To actually hear me. Not just write me off.

Maybe if we weren’t both so stubborn and refuse to admit when we’re wrong, we could have talked this out by now. Maybe because we havent, thats telling us what we really want. Maybe I have to be okay with letting him go in hopes that something better can and will come along. But I feel like I’m just giving up. I think I want to save him when I shouldnt. You cant save someone.. You cant change someone. I cant change him and he sure as hell wont change me. Maybe we are just too different. Maybe we’re too much alike, I dont know but whatever it is, its not working right now.

I think more than anything I want him to know he hurt me. I’m hurt I want to stop crying over him. I dont want him to think I’m just walking away and giving up. I just want him to realize that when someone cares about you and would do anything for you, maybe you should think twice about the things you say. We both should have.

I’m sick of loving and not feeling like I’m loved back…

You know those moments that you sometimes have with your parents, more so your dad, when he realizes that you have sex… and like it? Yep… that just happened. I mean, I have a 5 year old, the secret is out that I have indeed had sex in the past. but that doesnt mean they need to know its going on right now… right? I just think its easier if my dad doesnt think I’m a total slut. yep.. its easier for everyone that way.

Well.. that was a fun end to my tuesday.

Sometimes I just dont wanna go to school anymore and consider taking up a career in dog grooming… Cuz ya know, why not.